Holiday spirit

Yesterday, in a department store, I saw what is perhaps my favorite thing about Christmas: the men, lost and wandering, trying to get all their shopping done in two days. It's incredibly cute.

They'll wander around, blinking in the flourescence, looking at purses and perfumes and scarves. It's clear that they care, they just don't know what to do. And there are hundreds of them milling around, picking up things, thinking, putting them back down. Sometimes, by sheer luck, they stumble into something that seems right and they pick it up, happy at last to be purchasing something for someone they care about.

I wish their wives, girlfriends, and children could see them. I think the entry into this world of sales ladies and cosmetic smells is the gift, regardless of what ends up under the tree.

So merry Christmas! or Happy Hanukkah! or Happy Chinese food and movie day! or Happy Kwanzaa! or Happy winter solstice! or Yay, the days are getting longer! or Bah humbug! Take your pick.

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A wee harsh, perhaps?

Reading over the Morning Grump post, I realized that I run the risk of offending most of the women I know and some of the men to boot. So I'd like to state for the record that I wasn't talking about you.

Let's take a quick look at some of the things I ranted about: eyebrow waxing, blond highlights, heavy makeup. A little eyebrow waxing is just fine in my book. There are some women who take it too far, however, and I find their eyebrows to be distracting, if not downright disturbing. But even I pluck my eyebrows a bit every now and then, when they start to point up in the middle and make me look like a clown. I've nothing against highlights of any kind, and have even had the blond ones myself. So I really don't know why I put that in there, except that it helped to draw the picture of the type of woman I was talking about. As for makeup, I tend to think less is more in most cases, but that's just me. Not that I don't wear makeup ever, but it tends to be fairly minimal when I do apply it. Then again, I'm not super girly in that respect; I don't even have a beauty routine, unless you consider smearing facial cleanser on my face in the shower a beauty routine.

Anyhow, what I'm basically against is anybody who creates, early each morning, an entire face that doesn't really resemble the one with which they were born. And then yells about how good everything is. Actually, the first part probably wouldn't even bother me if it weren't for the yelling and false optimism.

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So long, Richard Pryor

I'm sad to hear that Richard Pryor has met with the infinite (to quote The Hudsucker Proxy). He's long been my mental bailout for bad movies. Whenever I find myself stuck watching a bad movie, I imagine how much better it would be if Richard Pryor showed up. It always makes whatever I'm watching ten times funnier.

For instance, while watching Herbie, Fully Loaded on a plane, I kept hoping Richard Pryor would show up. In my movie fantasies, it doesn't really matter what role he plays -- even Richard Pryor walking through a scene can improve a movie by an order of magnitude. I'll probably keep imagining him showing up in movies, but it won't be the same.

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Morning grump

Because of yesterday's snowy/freezing weather, I thought it would be a good idea to turn on the TV this morning to get an update and find out how best to get to work. But I couldn't bring myself to do it because of all those stupid, sappy, fucking morning people they put on TV. I couldn't handle the thought of a heavily made up, eyebrow waxed, blond highlighted bippy chick shoving her face in front of a camera to tell me it's a great morning. Because mornings aren't great. Days can be great, afternoons, certainly. Whole nights can be wonderful. But mornings should be reserved for quiet, slow waking up, warm cups of coffee, and bed.

Here's how a typical morning show goes, as far as I can tell:

Bippy Lady #1: It's a good morning here at KASS! There's a smile in my voice because my plastic surgeon restructured my face so my facial muscles are permanently in this position! Of course, it only works if I keep up the Botox injections! Let's have a look at the weather! Bippy Lady #2? What's going on out there?

BL2: Well, it sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays! You only said it's a good morning, and I think it's a GREAT morning! Look at how much I'm smiling! I love mornings because I go to bed at approximately 5:00pm every night! The weather is sucky and you shouldn't drive to work today, but doesn't my hair look good?! I'm going to make some stupid jokes and then cackle like it's the funniest thing ever!

Does it have to be like this? I think not. It could be more like this:

Quiet, Subdued Announcer: 'Morning. (Takes a sip of coffee. Pauses to collect thoughts.) It was pretty nasty out last night... Let's have a look at the commute for those of you unlucky enough to have to get up and go to work this early.

Quiet, Subdued Weather Person: It's cold and slushy, but the snow is melting off with the rain. I'm nice and quiet and will only give you the information you need. I'm also not going to rush through everything so that you are guaranteed to miss the one thing I said about the part of town in which you live. Back to you, Announcer.

QSA: In headlines... There's really no news worth telling this early in the morning. Go back to bed.

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Mini Quiz answer

Erin was the first to get it right, although she was a fellow Viking, so she had some inside information.

From top left: Sassarini Seahawks, El Verano Mustangs, (I was then a Sassarini Seahawk again for a year, but didn't repeat the graphic here), Altamira Apaches, Sonoma Valley High School Dragons, Pleasant Valley Vikings, Chico State Wildcats. Rowr.

I found all these images on the web by doing searches for the school/mascot combo. The dorky clipart for the seahawk is actually what came up for the elementary school I attended in K-3rd and 6th grade. I don't think any of the images above match those we used when I was in school, save for perhaps the Vikings and the Wildcats. Altamira had a goofy, racially insensitive Apache mascot when I was there; they changed it to a more stoic looking image the year after I left (I remember voting on the new one for the upcoming school year when I was in eighth grade). They have apparently abandoned the Apache as mascot altogether, however, as they're now the Wolves.

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Mini Quiz

What do you think is the link between the following things?

• Seahawk
• Mustang
• Apache
• Dragon
• Viking
• Wildcat

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The commute

The pear-shaped woman got on the bus, her hair piled atop her head in an unkempt fashion.

"Long time, no see," she said to the driver, her voice high and a bit nasally.

"I've been doing okay," said the driver. "Driving, driving, driving..."

She turned to walk up the aisle, but turned back almost immediately. "Actually, what I said was, 'Long time, no see.'"

The driver didn't have an answer, so he ignored her, put on his left turn signal, and pulled back into traffic.

She turned around, a bemused expression on her face, and slowly made her way up the aisle to find a seat.

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The trivia that shapes our world, #1

On OPB a week or so ago, Globe Trekker was in Alaska. One of the segments was about Chicken, Alaska. They were going to name it Ptarmigan, after the state bird (the Willow Ptarmigan), but nobody knew how to spell it. Thus, Chicken.

A quick Google search didn't turn up an Egg, Alaska, so the age old question of which came first remains unanswered.

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Ch-ch-ch-changes

My head is aswirl with all the things going on in my little world. The addition of Addy is, of course, the most awe-inspiring and the best. I finally got a photo of her, isn't she sweet?

We also moved our office downtown over the weekend (well the movers did, and they managed to drop a cart full of computers and scratch the hell out of a couple of desks). I'm excited about the opportunities I'll have to become an alcoholic hang out with friends after work. Downtown is a much more exciting place to be when you walk out the door than the Hollywood district. Not to mention all the new lunch places -- we had about four options that were extremely worn out over the last three years in our old office. Now there are food carts, the food pit, and restaurants galore!

I rode my bike yesterday. It wound up being just under an hour each way. I'm thinking of alternating so I ride to work one day, ride home the next, etc., and I can take the bus for the other leg of the journey. We'll see how it goes. I'm still totally out of calories from yesterday, so I rode the bus this morning.

I guess that's all the rambling I have for you right now. I've got about eight "to do" lists running through my head and they're taking up most of the thinking space. I'll try to be more interesting next time. Maybe I'll even have an exciting bus story soon! Won't that be fun?

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Beauty

Every once in awhile, time slows down long enough for you to catch your breath and really appreciate how beautiful the world can be. I had a moment like this on Saturday as I held my new baby niece, Addyson LeAnne. She was born on Friday, December 2, weighing in at 7lbs, 6oz. I think she was 18 1/2 inches long.

Unfortunately, I'm a terrible aunt and rushed out of the house without my camera, so I don't have any photos. But Addy's mom and dad have promised to send some along.

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