One bad thing about having cheap-ass cable (the $12/month kind) is that daytime TV totally blows. Here's a selection of my options at present:

• Not So White Sale on the Home Shopping Network. That just sounds gross. Is this synonomous with the Yellowed and Stained Sale?
• One Life to Live -- I haven't watched this since the Shipwreck of Destruction back in 1989 or so, and I don't think I can stomach it at this point. I used to watch it my freshman year of high school so that I would have something to say when the other girls talked about it.
• True Hollywood Story on E! Sometimes I get sucked into these, but I'm just not into it today.
• Judge Joe Brown -- I miss Judge Wapner. All these late-comers just irritate me.
• Surprise By Design -- I just can't watch those people torture another home owner. Has anybody else noticed that all of their designs are totally ugly?

Luckily, I have about eight hundred books on my "to read" shelf (make that shelves), so I think I'll stick to printed words.

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Since it's the holidays and people keep asking me what I want, here's a quick list:

• I want Morrissey to write a song called, "Sadness Can Be So Very Depressing."
• I want my cat to stop meowing so much.
• I want to find some free sound editing software so I can make a medley.
• I want to be able to wiggle my nose like Samantha Stevens and have my house be clean.
• I want for George Bush to not be president (no, I will not get over it already).
• I want to not be burned out by my job.
• I want big thunder storms.
• I want to be poised and graceful, but I'd settle for slightly less clumsy.
• I want you to all ignore, as much as possible, the commercial aspects of this season and have a restful, peaceful holiday. And if you don't celebrate any special days in December, I hope all the stores being closed isn't too much of a bother.

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How very happy the holidays are when you're scared of Santa.
(Link via Yolanda.)

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I can't believe you people don't have anything to say about the Dirty Ho. You're slipping. Not even one haiku!

Las Vegas wonder,
A ho where buffalo roam.
No cloudy skies here.

Speaking of Ho Ho Ho, what are you doing for Christmas? I've got a whole week off (and I'm going to try to make darned sure that week doesn't involve working). I plan to do a whole lot of puttering that week, and possibly some editing of a novel.

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When you stay at a place called Westward Ho! (nicknamed The Dirty Ho, which my mind turned into The Dirty Hooker), it's hard not to make jokes. Particularly if there's the double whammy of alcohol and sleep deprivation involved. This is why three giggling women and I, at one o'clock in the morning, found "Ho, sweet ho" so funny upon our return from Circus Circus.

Here's a tip, by the way: those machines/games that give out tickets for kids? Like skiball and the mini basketball game and whatnot? They're SO EASY when you're an adult. You can get so many tickets when you're taller and stronger and (here's the key) when you have your own disposable income.

Susan and Aaron's wedding was lovely. Really, it was the most calm wedding I've ever been to -- very sweet and nice, officiated by a pastor who knows the meaning and value of loooove. I also got to spend time with Fawn, who moved to the other Portland all the way on the other side of the continent, and Dayan and Karen and even the bride, which was unexpected and good. All in all, I think a one night trip to Vegas is more doable than four nights in Vegas. On the other hand, I don't need to go back there for at least five or six years, if ever.

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So, we watched the show Big! on the Discovery Channel last night. In theory, I like this idea. People come up with an idea to create the world's largest something-or-other, and go for the Guinness Book of World Records.

In reality, this is cheapening the Guinness Book of World Records. Don't get me wrong, I thought the enormous vacuum cleaner was really cool. But if it's your job to try to get record after record, that just kind of cheapens the whole experience. Also, an entry for the Guinness Book of World Records with two logos on the front (one for the show, and one for Dyson brand vacuum cleaners)... it just made me feel dirty.

If the show were about a group of people who didn't have a world record, and it was a new group of people each week, I could get behind that. I can't get behind the same people doing this week after week, especially if they've got huge corporate backing. Also, the announcer guy on the show who talks a lot but doesn't do any of the work is so extremely annoying that the only other time I saw the show, I was wishing they'd put him in the giant toaster.

So there's my gripe. Big! can suck it, as far as I'm concerned.

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